Jun 25

Francesca Parmesane Ketututututut in Ubud/BaliFrancesca Parmesane Ketututututut is the sister-in-law of famed Ukulele player/condensed milk wholesaler/land broker Made Ketututututut. She has been a fixture on the Ubud art scene for 30 years, ever since she left her native Ligurian fishing village and descended upon Bali to breathe new life into Ubud’s artistic life. Famous for her holistic interpretation of Ramayanabanana Dancing, she is currently the manageress of The Holy Moly Chakra Re-Alignment Centre in Sayan:

“I awake every day facing the Holy Mountains, where spirits reside and lava is formed in accordance with the ancient rites and patterns of the mythical Bahoo. My senses are heightened like a deer in the forest, although in a spiritual sense. Questions abound in my fertile mind. What miracles shall the day bring? What blessings will I confer upon the unenlightened? Shall the pigeons fly Eastward, symbolizing a rainy afternoon? What’s for breakfast? But first I empty my mind and my bowels, the former by chanting my Mantra, personally given to me by Maharishi Shre Shrek Yogi in the Himalayan foothills in 1972, the latter by deftly applying a ten foot hose and a gallon of Evian water.

My husband came to Bali from France in 1971 and immediately changed his name from Zutalors Camembert to Wayan. He is a proud man of tradition. He has been with me for 30 years now, and our love shows no sign of faltering. My husband assures me that it is insulting for the woman to be of greater means than her husband, and thus it would be a loss of face for Wayan to work. He has sacrificed himself for these last 30 years by not working a single day, thus honouring tradition, and my admiration for him is beyond measure. Another sign of Wayan’s selfless sacrifice is that he, according to ancient traditions, educates the young women of the village.

At any time, half a dozen girls aged between sixteen and seventeen and a half live in our house to undergo ritual cleansing and education to prepare them for adulthood. Selflessly and tirelessly, Wayan teaches them the ancient arts of Holistic Bathing and Chakra Massage, even sleeping in their quarters to ensure that no impure thoughts enter their young minds. He has, for the past 28 years, not slept in our bed and our marriage has evolved to being purely spiritual; Wayan had a vision that, in a past life, we were the Prince and Princess of Kalamangtangting, and thus our love must be pure, like the river that flows from the mountain and enters the sea, to reach its Nirwana.

I, too, have made sacrifices, not least in my quest to bring Ramayanabanana Dancing to the West. For years, I toiled with the local Masters, eventually forming my own troupe, Ramayanabananarama, which has toured world wide. Our highlights include our performance at the World Forum for Implementation of Standardized Folk Music and Handicraft in Antwerp in 1987, in front of thirty-eight delegates from all over the Benelux region. For seven hours, we mesmerized the audience with our interpretation of the Nasi Goreng Legend, commonly known as The Seven Headed Gnu and Its Quest for Lush Bamboo. Forty-seven dancers, and an orchestra consisting of twelve Dwarfs beating on ritual garbage can lids louder and louder in monotone. The effect on the audience was startling; after four hours, several spectators actually lost consciousness and had to be carried out on stretchers!

Having received a nine hundred thousand Euro grant from the Schleswig-Holstein Inter-Cultural WWII Guilt Fund five years ago, we built our current home, er, I mean the Ramayanabanana Study Center. As is the local custom, we put the property in my husband’s name, and of the eight hundred square meters living space, no less than thirty six square meters is solely dedicated for the Dance Group. Such are the sacrifices we make for Art, and for Bali.

My Holy Moly Chakra Re-Alignment Center, built with a grant from UNESCO, offers full day treatments for only four million Rupiahs. Local villagers get a 10% discount, another sign of our never-ending support for the community. Our qualified staff will gently cleanse your insides with a mixture of Green Tea and organic Mango Juice. Then, after studying the results (as it were), they will expertly determine your Chakra needs. Often, we find that the Chakra in most dire need of re-aligning is the Wealth Chakra.

Here, adjustments are most effectively made by the patient making a substantial donation to our Zenistic Research Foundation, which sends envoys (myself and Wayan) all over the world to study ancient meditation techniques. Las year alone, we made very valuable study trips to Barbados, Cape d’Antibes, St Moritz, Los Angeles and Aspen.

Exhausting, but one mustn’t tire in one’s efforts! Anyway, after the Chakra Re-Alignment, the patient spends the rest of the day is spent in quiet meditation, and all patients receive a free glass of Blessed Aqua as they quietly contemplate the vast emptiness of existence on the hand-made Formica benches that are provided (free of charge) behind the car park. For an extra two million Rupiah, patients can also participate in Zen Rice Planting, an ancient Meditation Form whereby the patient reconnects with the Cycle of Life by planting and harvesting Organic Rice at my husband’s cousin Gede’s rice farm.

For eleven hours without intermission, the patient toils with the local villagers, knee-deep in mud, concentrating only on the Holy Planting of Rice, thus emptying their minds of thoughts and desires, spurred on by our specially trained Zen Foreman, Herr Gottfried Himmler, who liberally uses his Cat o’ Nine Tails to drive disturbing thoughts from your mind and increase production to Zen-like levels. The harvested rice is then for sale at our Holistic Gourmet Shop for only six hundred thousand Rupiahs a kilo.

So you see that Bali is not all five star hotels and put-upon frivolance. No, here in Ubud you can discover the Ancient Bali, live the way villagers have done for thousands of years, discover your Inner Self, and empty your mind. And, of course, your wallet.”

(Source: This satire about living in mystic Bali was first featured in the Q1 edition of Bali’s Tropical Living Magazine)

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written by Chris

7 Responses to “How to free your spirits, body and mind. Completely!”

  1. G@ttoGialloNo Gravatar FRANCE Says:

    If I ain’t wrong Parmesane married Camembert… So good for Europe!
    And probably they had a Stilton in Bali, right ?

  2. jon bradleyNo Gravatar UNITED STATES Says:

    Hello, After reading your post on “how to free your spirits, body and mind, completely”, I would like to ask of you a simple request? Could you provide me with imformation on how one would go about meeting and talking with a temple priest? Am very keen to meet a spiritual priest from one of bali’s temples and maybe to talk with this person.
    hope you can help, will be travelling to bali July/August 2009
    Best regards

  3. ChrisNo Gravatar INDONESIA Says:

    I waited that long to reply, because I hoped that someone would come up with an answer
    to your question, as I truly don’t know, how to do that. Are you sure, you only want to travel to Bali in 2009? Who knows, if there are still temples around here and not only 4 or 5 star hotels? ;-)

  4. Living the Good Life in Bali - a Wrap up after 2 Years | nomad4ever UNITED STATES Says:

    […] Culture is your thing? Explore the only Hindu enclave in a sea of 17.000 Muslim islands. Visit temples by the sea, in jungles, on mountains, on cliffs, at the slope of volcanoes or near sandy beaches. Indulge yourself in exotic dances, traditional music, mystic plays, listen to drums and watch fire dances, watch the diverse ethnic cultures, creatures, dresses and ceremonies. Free your body, minds and spirit – completely! […]

  5. PatrickWNo Gravatar UNITED STATES Says:

    Oh, it’s a satire. I was about to ask you how you and I can start a holy temple in which we teach young women “things”.

  6. ChrisNo Gravatar INDONESIA Says:

    PatrickW, yeah it had the same effect on me also, when reading it the first time….lol! :D

  7. sona ertekinNo Gravatar TURKEY Says:

    Hahah :) Awesome, hilarious, holy bananas, boogaloo!

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